The Haunting of God (A ridiculous short story.)

Yesterday on Twitter someone posed a question that made me spout off some nonsense. (As is prone to happen with me.) And I wrote this last night while trying to fall asleep.

It amused me, so I thought I’d share. I hope it amuses at least one other person.

I open my eyes and realize two things at once. I’m floating, and I’m quite dead.

I’m lying at my own feet. What should have been my feet. Instead, there is just a trailing off near my shins. Anyway, my body lays on the floor near my ghostly tail.

I died being a smart ass, but no one seems to have noticed.  I went out with a smile on my face, so I’m content.

I begin my ascent, for, of course, I’m heaven bound. The ride is glorious. I’d never left my little town, and now I have the chance to explore, though it does seem to be a quite linear experience. I quickly pass through the clouds, enjoying a quick pass through an airplane. Funny that my first experience with one would be while dead. I cross a flock of geese, getting nothing for my time but a distracted honk.

Then I’ve passed the atmosphere. There was little to mark the transition, though I’m sure it would be worse had I a body.

I’m moving at quite the clip now, space rushing by obscenely fast. Before I can get nervous that I might be flying forever, that heaven may just be a long corridor of emptiness, I find myself passing through another set of clouds. These a swirling, glittering expanse of blues and purples and pinks.

I’d gasp at the brilliance had I a breath to do so.

Finally, an eternity later, I arrive. Heaven is just as I expected. Gold streets, homes of every variety, perfect for their owners. Eclectic. A real homeowner’s association nightmare.

Karen would have an aneurysm.

Soon I stop, landing gracefully. Quite uncharacteristically, I might add. I’ve grown my feet again,  very convenient. I run and giggle at the joy of it. I haven’t run since I was a child.

Soon an idea forms and I grin, rushing toward the light that I know will be God. I pass family I haven’t seen in years, but I forge ahead, ignoring their waves and confused looks. That must be new to them, confusion in heaven.

But I have a  goal in mind.

When I arrive God is speaking, his voice garbled to my once mortal ears. I circle his throne, arriving at the back of it. It’s surrounded by stairs, large ones. I climb them like a toddler, or a particularly clumsy puppy.

Finally, I arrive just behind him,  floating near his ear. God is larger than I imagined, but at least I’d retained my ability to fly. Something I should have used on the stairs. 

“OooOOHoooh,” I say loudly. The speaking rumbles to a stop and God turns slowly toward me, his majesty dimming as he raises an astral eyebrow. “I’m a GhOsT oOoHh.”

Silence descends in heaven, the Angels stop their flight. I realize there are crickets in heaven as they launch into awkward song.  I open my mouth to repeat my ghostly wails but before I can, I’m flung away, falling at tremendous speed.

The stardust, clouds, another plane. There are no birds this time, sadly.  I hit the kitchen floor, and my body, with a strangely harsh clang.

You stay down there and think about what you’ve done.